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And now, Daddy, about the other thing; please give me your most worldly advice, whether you think I'll like it or not.
You know that I've always had a very special feeling towards you; you sort of represented my whole family; but you won't mind, will you, if I tell you that I have a very much more special feeling for another man? You can probably guess without much trouble who he is. I suspect that my letters have been very full of Master Jervie for a very long time.
I wish I could make you understand what he is like and how entirely companionable we are. We think the same about everything-- I am afraid I have a tendency to make over my ideas to match his! But he is almost always right; he ought to be, you know, for he has fourteen years' start of me. In other ways, though, he's just an overgrown boy, and he does need looking after-- he hasn't any sense about wearing rubbers when it rains. He and I always think the same things are funny, and that is such a lot; it's dreadful when two people's senses of humour [humor ] are antagonistic. I don't believe there's any bridging that gulf!
And he is-- Oh, well! He is just himself, and I miss him, and miss him, and miss him. The whole world seems empty and aching. I hate the moonlight because it's beautiful and he isn't here to see it with me. But maybe you've loved somebody, too, and you know? If you have, I don't need to explain; if you haven't, I can't explain.
Anyway, that's the way I feel-- and I've refused to marry him.
I didn't tell him why; I was just dumb and miserable. I couldn't think of anything to say. And now he has gone away imagining that I want to marry Jimmie McBride-- I don't in the least, I wouldn't think of marrying Jimmie; he isn't grown up enough. But Master Jervie and I got into a dreadful muddle of misunderstanding and we both hurt each other's feelings. The reason I sent him away was not because I didn't care for him, but because I cared for him so much. I was afraid he would regret it in the future-- and I couldn't stand that! It didn't seem right for a person of my lack of antecedents to marry into any such family as his. I never told him about the orphan asylum, and I hated to explain that I didn't know who I was. I may be DREADFUL , you know . And this family are proud-- and I'm proud, too!
Also, I felt sort of bound to you. After having been educated to be a writer, I must at least try to be one; it would scarcely be fair to accept your education and then go off and not use it. But now that I am going to be able to pay back the money, I feel that I have partially discharged that debt-- besides, I suppose I could keep on being a writer even if I did marry. The two professions are not necessarily exclusive.
You know that I've always had a very special feeling towards you; you sort of represented my whole family; but you won't mind, will you, if I tell you that I have a very much more special feeling for another man? You can probably guess without much trouble who he is. I suspect that my letters have been very full of Master Jervie for a very long time.
I wish I could make you understand what he is like and how entirely companionable we are. We think the same about everything-- I am afraid I have a tendency to make over my ideas to match his! But he is almost always right; he ought to be, you know, for he has fourteen years' start of me. In other ways, though, he's just an overgrown boy, and he does need looking after-- he hasn't any sense about wearing rubbers when it rains. He and I always think the same things are funny, and that is such a lot; it's dreadful when two people's senses of humour [humor ] are antagonistic. I don't believe there's any bridging that gulf!
And he is-- Oh, well! He is just himself, and I miss him, and miss him, and miss him. The whole world seems empty and aching. I hate the moonlight because it's beautiful and he isn't here to see it with me. But maybe you've loved somebody, too, and you know? If you have, I don't need to explain; if you haven't, I can't explain.
Anyway, that's the way I feel-- and I've refused to marry him.
I didn't tell him why; I was just dumb and miserable. I couldn't think of anything to say. And now he has gone away imagining that I want to marry Jimmie McBride-- I don't in the least, I wouldn't think of marrying Jimmie; he isn't grown up enough. But Master Jervie and I got into a dreadful muddle of misunderstanding and we both hurt each other's feelings. The reason I sent him away was not because I didn't care for him, but because I cared for him so much. I was afraid he would regret it in the future-- and I couldn't stand that! It didn't seem right for a person of my lack of antecedents to marry into any such family as his. I never told him about the orphan asylum, and I hated to explain that I didn't know who I was. I may be DREADFUL , you know . And this family are proud-- and I'm proud, too!
Also, I felt sort of bound to you. After having been educated to be a writer, I must at least try to be one; it would scarcely be fair to accept your education and then go off and not use it. But now that I am going to be able to pay back the money, I feel that I have partially discharged that debt-- besides, I suppose I could keep on being a writer even if I did marry. The two professions are not necessarily exclusive.
اسم
antecedent دودمان، تبار
صفت
antagonistic ضد، مخالف، ستیزه جو
dumb بی کله، لال، کند ذهن
exclusive انحصاری، تنها، منحصر
dumb بی کله، لال، کند ذهن
exclusive انحصاری، تنها، منحصر
و اما موضوع اصلی:
خواهش می کنم بی آنکه ملاحظه ی خوشامد یا ناراحتی مرا بکنید، راهنمایی ام کنید.
می دانید که من همیشه احساس بسیار خاصی نسبت به شما داشته ام . شما همه کس من هستید . حالا اگر بگویم که نسبت به مردی دیگر احساسات خاص و عمیقتری دارم، ناراحت نمی شوید؟
احتمالاً به راحتی می توانید حدس بزنید که او کیست . فکر می کنم مدتهاست که نامه های من پر از اسم آقا جروی است. ای کاش می توانستم به شما بگویم که او چگونه آدمی است و ما چقدر با هم جور هستیم. ما درباره ی همه چیز با هم تفاهم داریم. حتی اگر اختلاف نظری با او داشته باشم ، می کوشم خودم را با او همدل کنم. چون همیشه حق با اوست. باید هم باشد، چون چهارده سال از من بزرگتر است ، هر چند که بعضی اوقات مثل یک نوجوان باید مراقب او بود. مثلاً وقتی باران می بارد، یادش می رود گالش بپوشد. من و او همیشه از یک چیز خوشمان می آید و می خندیم، و تعداد این "یک چیز" ها زیاد است. خیلی وحشتناک است که دو نفر از نظر خلق و خو با هم جور نباشند؛ یکی بسیار شوخ طبع باشد و دیگری بسیار بدعنق. من که فکر نمی کنم راهی برای پیوند این دو وجود داشته باشد
و او...همان کسی است که من می خواهم. دلم برایش تنگ می شود و تنگ می شود و تنگ می شود. بی او، دنیا برایم تیره و تار و دردناک است. از مهتاب متنفرم، چون زیباست و او نیست که با من مهتاب را تماشا کند. احتمالاً شما هم عاشق کسی بوده اید و می دانید چه می گویم و لازم نیست توضیح بدهم، اگر عاشق نشده اید هم که توضیح دادن فایده ندارد
خلاصه، احساس من نسبت به او این است؛ با این حال به خواستگاریش جواب رد دادم. علتش را به او نگفتم. در آن لحظه به کلی گنگ و درمانده شده بودم. نمی دانستم به او چه بگویم. حالا او فکر می کند که من می خواهم با جیمی مک براید ازدواج کنم. در حالی که اصلاً این طور نیست. جیمی هنوز خیلی کوچک است. به هر حال بین من و آقا جروی سؤتفاهم پیش آمد و احساسات یکدیگر را جریحه دار کردیم. اگر خواستگاریش را رد کردم، به این دلیل نبود که دوستش نداشتم ( برعکس خیلی هم دوستش داشتم) فقط می ترسیدم در آینده از ازدواج با من پشیمان شود و این نکته برای من قابل تحمل نیست
ازدواج مردی چون او -که به آن خانواده تعلق دارد- با دختری مثل من- که هیچ کس و کاری ندارد- درست به نظر نمی رسید. من در مورد پرورشگاه چیزی به او نگفتم. بدم می آمد به او بگویم که نمی دانم کی هستم. من کس و کاری ندارم بابا، و این شاید بد باشد ولی خانواده ی او خیلی مغرور هستند من هم غرور دارم .
گذشته از اینها حس می کردم نسبت به شما هم وظایفی دارم من با این هدف که روزی نویسنده شوم تحصیل کردم و باید در این راه سعی خودم را بکنم . انصاف نیست که شما مخارج دانشکده ی مرا بپردازید و من کوچکترین استفاده ای از این تحصیلات نکنم. البته چون می توانم پول شما را پس بدهم، حس می کنم تا حدودی بار این قرض سبکتر شده. ضمن اینکه فکر می کنم حتی اگر ازدواج کنم، باز هم می توانم به کار نویسندگی ادامه دهم، چون این دو کار لزوماً با هم منافات ندارند
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